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Sandwich Monday: The Subway Flatizza

"Flatizza" is not to be confused with "Flatzilla," the two-dimensional lizard monster.
"Flatizza" is not to be confused with "Flatzilla," the two-dimensional lizard monster.

Whether it's James Franco writing novels or Pablo Picasso scrapbooking, all great artists move outside their medium. Subway has recently been experimenting with pizzas. The latest is the Flatizza, which is a combination of "flatbread" and "pizza," and is also embarrassing to say when you have to order one.

Mike: Subway pizza is a tough sell. "Five-dollar foot-wide" feels wrong.

Miles: I just don't understand why Subway demands we wash down the Flatizza with a FlatSoda.

Finally, fast-food restaurants are making cuisine those of us with lockjaw can fit into our mouths.
/ NPR
Finally, fast-food restaurants are making cuisine those of us with lockjaw can fit into our mouths.

Robert: After the long winter we've had, it's handy to have a lunch that also works as an ice scraper.

Miles: Remember in the 15th century, when everyone thought pizza was flat?

Ian: The flat shape makes it an ideal food to go in Pizza ATMs. If these don't exist yet, nobody tell me.

Those hands aren't Robert's.
/ NPR
Those hands aren't Robert's.

You order the Flatizza like a Subway sandwich — the sandwich artist asks you what you want on it, and you choose from the ingredients on the other side of the sneeze guard. Then they stick it in a fast-cook toaster oven, which is powered by either nuclear fission or magic.

Ian: You can get it plain, veggie, or with everything Jared denied himself for the past 10 years.

Robert: Weirdly, I was watching a movie where Jared showed up at the door with one of these. After that, it got kind of weird.

Mike: Of all the foods at Subway, the Flatizza is the one Snoop Dogg has the easiest time ordering.

Mike wonders if in London, they call Subway Restaurant "The Tube."
/ NPR
Mike wonders if in London, they call Subway Restaurant "The Tube."

Miles: Instead of fighting with each other, New York-style and Chicago-style should both team up on Flatizza.

Mike: The slogan is "Crispy, cheesy and totally edgy" — it's like a charred Sarah Silverman.

At publication time, Ian is still locked in a staring contest with his Flatizza.
/ NPR
At publication time, Ian is still locked in a staring contest with his Flatizza.

Miles: Subway took the yoga mats out of its bread, threw some cheese on them, and called it a pizza.

Ian: Finally, the perfect bathroom tile in my life-size gingerbread house.

[The verdict: a fine fast-food pizza. There may come a day when we think of Subway as that pizza place that used to serve sandwiches.]

Sandwich Monday is a satirical feature from the humorists at Wait Wait ... Don't Tell Me!

Copyright 2020 NPR. To see more, visit https://www.npr.org.